Friday, April 17, 2015

vegan truffles

Dear self, 
Sorry about the long week. You knew this transition would be hard and you are doing great! Please enjoy the vegan truffles and wine. 
6 dates (remove pits)
1/4 shredded coconut
1/4 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup cocoa powder
Dash pink salt. Food process and roll into balls.
Eat while you cry. In solidarity. I definitely won't judge but just two really scratched the itch.


My kids were screaming. Having a scuffle. And I just kept cooking my breakfast. If its not a bully situation there are times to let them figure out their own experiences. And finally,
"But I really loved THAT pancake. I love you, but I needed that one."
"Im sorry wendy. You pushed me and im sticky."
"Im sorry ben, heres a towel. You eat that one."
Im thinking.. these experiences they figure out themselves go a lot farther in learning how to treat people. Thats not to say I havent choicely said, "say sorry right now!" But this is awesome. Way awesome.

Just be there.

Its not about never allowing them to cry or protecting them from ever feeling badly. Its about saying, "it's okay. Have your feelings. I will stay with you."

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


Can I tell you a secret?
Don't say duh. 
We accept big asses and breasts in our media as long as the rest is thin, but really that's obscene. Plenty of fat things are gorgeous like cats and bears. Plenty of thin things are stunning like antelope and grey hounds. 
when discussing the human animal self love and quality of character always shine. 
I've lost a lot of weight a few times had some babies and lost it again.
and some of the most interesting comments I get are:
which makes a lot of sense, because hey well done you might be healthier and you're certainly one step closer to the cultural ideal.
but lately I'm just cringing at how many women won't swim or come to the beach or wear shorts when it's hot because they hate themselves and they're not afraid to admit it.
Human beings in every shape you are not a mistake. You are good. You are worthwhile. And when you bust your ass I hope you do it for you, because you will always be too something for someone.
I meet a lot of women a lot smaller than me who come to some sort of brain explosion. Hey look at you you look awesome, and youre bigger than me it must be because these variables...
but love is the only variable.
So when you say "congrats" I'm just autocorrecting you and
"congrats. I'm glad you're making time for yourself. you look strong. you seem happy. And basically your self love is overflowing and I want to be around you."
I pretend you're saying that.

Night shift.

After I get the smallest asleep enough to lie down a moment I carry the small ones to their beds. I manage a bath before the littlest starts her sleepy wiggle. I swap her diaper without waking her fully, but she does little nom nom noms with her tiny mouth. I feed her. Still quite a lot more asleep than awake she eats tiny hand opening and closing. Flexing and relaxing as she finds her way back to deeper sleep and mouth flops open. My breast weary memo taker soaks the sheet and I tuck a burp rag under her face. Good enough. I try to quiet my mind. In no time my oldest will be here "I want you to hug me." Curling up in bed. My middle child may wake up screaming for water and insist every cup is the wrong cup. He may need a cuddle. He may sleep through and wake us all up with the sun. He is my wild card. The tiniest will need more nursing and snuggles and diapers in that time before the sun comes again. And when the sun gets up I will be very very very tired. Punching that time card in heart healing. I will always be there. You won't ever be alone in the dark scared, wet, or hungry, because I am your mama. And we probably won't do a lot of outings and sometimes I will be grumpy and for that I am sorry. I would do it a million times over. Sweet dreams.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Our shape and the clothes we hold onto: applying the KonMarie method to discarding clothes EVEN when we are "inbetween" sizes.

here I am with my stretch marks, lose skin,
and breasts which DO dangle without a bra. LOVING IT.
Our shape and what we hold onto.

How am I supposed to minimize clothes, I'm heavy and plan to lose weight? 
Dear stranger on the internet, you are more than good enough. Please don't live in the past or future you are perfect right now. If you're rapidly losing weight maybe keep one size down, but as a woman who has gone up and down between pregnancies it has been a conscious gift of self love to keep only what fits.

I am pregnant (or newly postpartum) how can I declutter my clothes?

I purged my maternity wardrobe then I did my nonmaternity while still pregnant. I designed a nice postpartum wardrobe of cute sweats, wrap dresses, maxi dresses,cross over tops, a cardigan,flowing pants, under belly maternity jeans that would work postpartum. I didnt want to leave looking nice up to chance. 
Then I gave myself a gift. I shop at h&m, at ross, at thrifts. I didnt own any designer clothes. I discarded everything except that postpartum capsule wardrobe. I may lose weight but I will certainly have a new shape. 
I am two months postpartum and I have carefully added new pieces to build on that, but it has been truly joyful! 
Most people wouldnt describe dressing their postpartum body as joyful. I blame minimalism and a capsule wardrobe. Im also growing out a pixie haircut and I still feel cute.

I got rid of it all, but I hate shopping with this body.. 
I feel you. I have icky fat days. Let's stop for a second and exercise. I don't mean hitting the gym. I mention emotionally. 
What can you thank you body for today when you start that cycle of negative self talk? 
Do you live with a chronic disease? Thank you for the good health TODAY. Are you blessed with good health? Well thank you for this body that never holds me back. Have you experienced trauma? Well thank you for healing. Are you a mama? Thank you body for getting pregnant, carrying to term, birthing at joyfully and peacefully, are you nursing? Thank you body for making some or all of the milk my babies needs. I solute you! 

This body, with the big arms, cankles, hormone related deodorant allergy right now, stretch marks, lumpy full thighs, face with gets VERY full in pregnancy yes THIS ONE. 
I love it. 
Thank you for carrying the groceries. 
Thank you for carrying the babies to term. 
Thank you for three joyful homebirths. 
Thank you for healing the injuries.
Thank you for nursing.
Thank you for this body. 

And then let's talk fat. Take a moment to comfort the monster. Women are simply "not allowed" fat in this culture unless it is firm breasts, and full undimpled bottoms and hips. 
Men are "not allowed" to be lithe, fat, or thin. Pure muscle, but not too much-that's tacky. Wow! What a fucking prison. Maybe it's time to stop. 
Maybe there are amazing thin things like gazelles and grey hounds and you.
Maybe there are amazing fat things like house cats and elephants and you. 

Okay, Okay, I loooove myself, what do I wear it honestly looks bad?
If you want to follow trends pick popular colors you like. Or bag/shoes/etc of the moment. Let your clothes follow the actual body you live in. Some things are designed to best flatter the lithe while others the curvy. Don't MOLD YOURSELF! Find a new shop. Follow fashion icons who have a body like you. See what looks good on them. Twiggy wore shift dresses and tall boots, Marilyn wore cross top dresses with full skirts. Things that embraced their amazing shapes. Be comfortable. Be confidence. Be yourself. Wearing hiking boots or flip flops or cargo shorts or catsuits every damn day. It really doesn't matter. Just love yourself.
And please dear God, ditch the clothes that don't fit.

I have no money for clothes...
Try consignment shops, try collecting one piece at a time. thrift carefully, check ebay, ask your friendslist, post to freecycle, host a naked lady party or free swap. 

Further resources: - amazing clothes xs-2x - amazing clothes small -4x - ditch your old clothes and ask for things that spark JOY.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Goodbye to baby clothes: A how to inspired by the KonMarie Methods.

thank you for passing on! A friend shares her thrift store score..
How to let go of tubs and tubs of baby clothes...
It took years, but I took my absolutely favorite few items from each child and put them in the baby box. Even if you have another elastic and graphic usually rot in the box, Styles change. Some love the 1960s peter pan colars and 1990s Winnie the pooh and Ralph Lauren sets, others would prefer a more modern look!
What about grandchildren?
I love retro clothes and hand me downs but if my mother in law or my mom handed me TUBS AND TUBS of our clothes as babies and expected me to use them it really would be weird. She got to choose those things, why cant I?
Think about the children..
Also, future children have the own gender, birth season, body type, preferences. Save a favorite from each stage and help someone who needs those things NOW. My fuzzy newborn bear suit was completely useless in southern California. I had LOVED it up north, but after a few years sitting in a box untouched it looked aged. And it was just too hot even for my January baby. I didn't want to keep it forever. So, why had I saved it? It was too hard then to let it go. I was ready now. I looked through freecycle and a family who lives in a place a little colder happened to be seeking a bear suit. Didnt mind it looking a bit worn. Like it was meant to be really.. It wasn't a loss. It was a gift to everyone to LET IT GO. 

If discarding items makes you cry.. 
 it doesnt sound like your items bring you joy now, but instead a fear of future scarcity and loss. Trust me, keeping it all will not ensure any other babies come or prevent your babies from growing up. I had three babies and saved the very best, and cried as I discarded the rest, but they are unique little people and other items will be there if you have another.
What if I make a quilt with all the clothes.. 
yes, you can. If you think you actually will do that. And that those clothes would make a nice quilt. And it is something you have the skill or money to do. And then that quilt, will you store it. Would your child like to sleep under it, or would they like something more to their taste now? what about you? I'm not saying don't, I'm saying question your choices. Gently.
What if I have another and cannot afford clothes... 
That sounds very frightening. If that is your reality how likely is your community to ignore that need? Ask yourself honestly?

this is my personal experience. I finally let go of 90% of items, and my surprise third baby came along. My community rallied around us sending and dropping off mountains of beautiful clothes. I still had my very favorite hand me downs. And a chance to purchase and find just a few new things for this brand new person. I recently packed up the newborn cloth diapers. This used to make me sob. Like a nut. And hoard. This time I picked out my two favorite for the baby box. I bagged the rest up, and made a plan to find someone who could not afford them. I can't honor these items by letting them rot in a box. Someone needs them now. 
goodbye with love!